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Politics

Heroic Hams Help keep the Forest Safe

December 10, 2015

 

ENCHANTED FOREST, MO – Local police officers John Ham and Richard Porkins have seemingly transformed into forest-wide heroes after rescuing the life of beloved young human “Little Red Riding Hood” this past Tuesday. Ham and Porkins were in the middle of their usual patrol when they received an emergency notification coming from dispatch about a situation over at Granny’s house at around 6:07pm. Dropping everything at once, the two officers sped to the home, arriving at 6:13pm. One quick look at the slightly ajar door and the large, muddy paw prints leading up to said door indicated to the officers immediately that something was amiss in this normally calm, cozy cottage.

According to Officer Ham, “The mud paw prints quickly set off alarms for us that Granny’s fairy tale was in danger of becoming a Grimm one. Deputy Porkins and I have seen too many of those in our day…From the destruction of our relatives’ homes to the gruesome consumption of our friends, wherever those prints are, nothing good follows. As soon as we saw them, we knew one of those bad wolves was around.”

Recognizing that there indeed was a “bad” wolf inside, the two officers grabbed hold of their holstered weapons and proceeded to head inside. The officers then witnessed a scene that Deputy Porkins described as being “the most terrifying thing I’ve seen since that case with the German kids and that cannibalistic witch a few years back.” Porkins went on to tell reporters that “We saw a large wolf laying in Granny’s bed. He was cross-dressing for some reason, was coated in blood, and had his mouth wide open, salivating wildly while peering at poor Little Red.”

Officer Ham then stepped in to inform reporters that, “It was at this point that Deputy Porkins oinked at the wolf to ‘Step away from the girl and close the mouth!’” The suspect ignored the requests and proceeded to move closer to the crying Little Red. After another request, the Wolf once again ignored the officers and inched closer and closer to Little Red. As he approached Little Red at a dangerously close level, the officers were forced to make a split second decision and force the Wolf into submission with lethal force.

“We had no choice,” remarked Deputy Porkins. “The Wolf was not compliant and showed multiple signs of being a clear threat to that girl’s well-being. It was a matter of life or death for her and we did our best to use proper judgment in silencing this wolf.”

After paramedics and more cops arrived to the scene, the intruding wolf was properly identified as 19- year old “Ben Wolf.” Mr. Wolf was a resident of the southwest side of the forest and had been charged with multiple accounts of shoplifting over the course of the past two years. Although his motivation was not necessarily clear, autopsy reports showed small doses of marijuana and Adderall in his blood, leading many forest denizens to believe his actions were a result of the “aggressive high” said drugs can supposedly induce.

The autopsy of Mr. Wolf’s body revealed many crucial pieces of evidence that would work to defend the officers’ actions. Although the 32 bullets found within Mr. Wolf had many in the wolf community crying out for the officers to be charged with unnecessary use of excessive force, there is no doubt that officers Ham and Porkins are heroes. Reports from the same autopsy happen to show that the Mr. Wolf had ingested an elderly female human. DNA reports unfortunately show that said female was indeed Granny, indicating that Mr. Wolf was most likely going to attempt to eat Little Red as well.

Even though a great life was lost in the incident, the fact another was saved goes to show that the boys in blue will be there to serve and protect. They may come under fire from the wolf population, other activists, and scientific findings that challenge their stories, but they will always be the heroes that saved Little Red Riding Hood.

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December 2015

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