Who’s afraid of the big bad boys in blue?
December 12, 2015
ENCHANTED FOREST, MO – How much longer must we live in fear of the ones who are meant to “serve and protect” us? Last Tuesday, the local forest police force once again demonstrated their willingness to “protect” as they took away the life of a young wolf. After a dispute with the police at Granny’s house, the 19 year-old upstanding citizen Ben Wolf was shot dead by two officers.
At around 6:07pm, the forest police station received a call from an anonymous Northside forest resident who feared “the troublesome wolf boy that was walking around.” Call records from the police station itself show that said resident went on to say, “[Ben had] not done anything yet but he sure did look suspicious to me. That messy fur coat of his just screamed trouble… Anyway, it looked like he was walking down the street towards Granny’s house. I would check it out if I were you.”
The two police officers that were closest to Granny’s house, Officer John Ham and Deputy Richard Porkins, were notified of the call and rushed over to her house. One must note that their arrival time of 6:13pm sure beats the 45 minutes they took a few weeks ago to get to an injured wolf who was assaulted by a group of lumberjacks.
Upon arrival, the officers’ inherent stereotyping of wolves caused them to jump the gun in their “investigation” after seeing some of Ben’s muddy footprints outside of Granny’s house. Based on a few bad experiences with individual wolves, the officers were supposedly able to tell that they were the “footprints of a bad wolf.” They then took it upon themselves to enter the home and confront Ben who was lying in Granny’s bed alongside her granddaughter Little Red Riding Hood.
An unnamed passerby recalls seeing “the police barge into the home and start yelling. Around 8 seconds later, shots were fired.” After pumping Ben with 32 bullets, the officers finally ceased fire and called for backup. Although the police did not have proof that Ben had done anything wrong, they took it upon themselves to end his life based on a “gut feeling.” Had they just taken the time to remain calm and discuss the matter like grown men, they may have just learned Ben’s reason for being at Granny’s.
According to Ben’s distant uncle, The Big Bad Wolf, “Ben was a boy with outstanding values and a heart of gold. Being the youngest of 14 or so kids, he raised his family by himself when his mother was ill. When I was talking to my daughter the other night, she had told me that she heard from a friend of a friend that Ben was planning on visiting the Northside of the forest to help assist the elderly. He just wanted to help others and show the world that Wolves are just as caring as everyone else.”
Ben had traveled to the Northside of the forest to help another life out. He was not looking for trouble and yet trouble found him. When interviewing some close associates of Ben’s, we learned that he “loved to entertain and spread joy.” According to these associates, “The so-called blood they found on his teeth was 99% for sure some kind of makeup that went along with the goofy Grannie get-up of his. I bet he went to entertain Little Red as Granny was getting too old to do it herself. She was probably crying tears of laughter and joy; not tears of sadness. That “body” they found in him was probably another gag too. I bet a piece of Granny’s hair just slipped into him somehow.”
If the police only took the time to learn a little more about Ben, they maybe would not have made the brash decision to take his life. Not to mention they shot 32 bullets near Little Red, also putting her in danger…
While the wolf community physically lost a true hero in their community, Ben Wolf’s spirit will live on. His death at the hands of prejudice will only wake up the entire population of the forest to see the corruption that still exists here.
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Heroic Hams Help keep the Forest Safe
December 10, 2015
ENCHANTED FOREST, MO – Local police officers John Ham and Richard Porkins have seemingly transformed into forest-wide heroes after rescuing the life of beloved young human “Little Red Riding Hood” this past Tuesday. Ham and Porkins were in the middle of their usual patrol when they received an emergency notification coming from dispatch about a situation over at Granny’s house at around 6:07pm. Dropping everything at once, the two officers sped to the home, arriving at 6:13pm. One quick look at the slightly ajar door and the large, muddy paw prints leading up to said door indicated to the officers immediately that something was amiss in this normally calm, cozy cottage.
According to Officer Ham, “The mud paw prints quickly set off alarms for us that Granny’s fairy tale was in danger of becoming a Grimm one. Deputy Porkins and I have seen too many of those in our day…From the destruction of our relatives’ homes to the gruesome consumption of our friends, wherever those prints are, nothing good follows. As soon as we saw them, we knew one of those bad wolves was around.”
Recognizing that there indeed was a “bad” wolf inside, the two officers grabbed hold of their holstered weapons and proceeded to head inside. The officers then witnessed a scene that Deputy Porkins described as being “the most terrifying thing I’ve seen since that case with the German kids and that cannibalistic witch a few years back.” Porkins went on to tell reporters that “We saw a large wolf laying in Granny’s bed. He was cross-dressing for some reason, was coated in blood, and had his mouth wide open, salivating wildly while peering at poor Little Red.”
Officer Ham then stepped in to inform reporters that, “It was at this point that Deputy Porkins oinked at the wolf to ‘Step away from the girl and close the mouth!’” The suspect ignored the requests and proceeded to move closer to the crying Little Red. After another request, the Wolf once again ignored the officers and inched closer and closer to Little Red. As he approached Little Red at a dangerously close level, the officers were forced to make a split second decision and force the Wolf into submission with lethal force.
“We had no choice,” remarked Deputy Porkins. “The Wolf was not compliant and showed multiple signs of being a clear threat to that girl’s well-being. It was a matter of life or death for her and we did our best to use proper judgment in silencing this wolf.”
After paramedics and more cops arrived to the scene, the intruding wolf was properly identified as 19- year old “Ben Wolf.” Mr. Wolf was a resident of the southwest side of the forest and had been charged with multiple accounts of shoplifting over the course of the past two years. Although his motivation was not necessarily clear, autopsy reports showed small doses of marijuana and Adderall in his blood, leading many forest denizens to believe his actions were a result of the “aggressive high” said drugs can supposedly induce.
The autopsy of Mr. Wolf’s body revealed many crucial pieces of evidence that would work to defend the officers’ actions. Although the 32 bullets found within Mr. Wolf had many in the wolf community crying out for the officers to be charged with unnecessary use of excessive force, there is no doubt that officers Ham and Porkins are heroes. Reports from the same autopsy happen to show that the Mr. Wolf had ingested an elderly female human. DNA reports unfortunately show that said female was indeed Granny, indicating that Mr. Wolf was most likely going to attempt to eat Little Red as well.
Even though a great life was lost in the incident, the fact another was saved goes to show that the boys in blue will be there to serve and protect. They may come under fire from the wolf population, other activists, and scientific findings that challenge their stories, but they will always be the heroes that saved Little Red Riding Hood.